Alternative Extended Breastfeeding Positions

When babies get older and have more control no control of their spazzy bodies, they start to breastfeed in a variety of special ways.  I’ve decided to write down some of my favorites along with directions on how you, too, can achieve these moves with your little nipple-biter.

Booby CPR:

  1. Baby is across mom’s body, kneeling on one side and nursing on the other
  2. Head banging into boob (baby may choose to add very loud humming at this point)
  3. Baby uses hands to do chest compressions on mom’s chest or boob, dealer’s choice
  4. Nipple is pulled an unnatural distance from the rest of the boob, but everybody had fun

The Split Personality:

  1. Baby’s body begins parallel to mom, stomach to stomach, lying down
  2. Baby and mom start to nurse and drift off to sleep
  3. Baby’s body begins to gyrate
  4. Body twists into an absurd hellix
  5. Baby’s face desperately tries to nurse despite the body having been posessed by some fell, serpentine creature
  6. Nipple is stretched into thin strand, akin to what might be seen with Silly Putty
  7. Everyone is confused and crying

“A” is for “Abnormal”:

  1. Face in boob
  2. Feet and toes digging into mom’s femoral artery
  3. Diaper wiggling about in the air
  4. Baby’s body makes a nice “A” shape

The “I Can Stand Now”:

  1. Mom is sitting on floor, playing or talking,  minding her damn business
  2. Baby’s focus whips from current project to the enticing mouth-height nipple
  3. Baby clambers over mom’s lap
  4. Claws at shirt until boob is presented
  5. Baby stands in awkward, hunched position nursing a contorted breast

Backseat Dangler:

  1. Adults are in the front seats of the car
  2. Baby is screaming like a banshee in the carseat in the back
  3. Red light.  Mom, trying not to have a meltdown of her own, jumps in the back seat
  4. Dangle already tortured breast over the baby’s car seat to nurse while dad drives the rest of the way.
  5. Baby is still safely secured, mom might go through the front windshield in the event of a crash
  6. Worth it

Airplane-Raspberry Technique:

  1. Baby begins with face 6 to 8 inches from exposed nipple
  2. Opens mouth
  3. “AAAaaaaaahhhhhh” while zooming toward nipple
  4. Collision results in a wet raspberry that lasts surprisingly longer than expected
  5. Raspberry slows to a “Blep… blep… blep…… blep.”
  6. Baby dramatically gasps for air
  7. Recoils in preparation for another round
  8. No actual nursing occurs
  9. Repeat as necessary
  10. Especially effective in a quiet restaurant

BONUS!  Good places to pinch, claw, kick (all on mom’s body, of course):

  1. Lower eyelid – helps with the “being held hostage” look
  2. The other nipple – it’s not being used, right?
  3. Current nipple – think, “My precious”
  4. Sensitive area under the arm – I think this is a pressure point… perfect!
  5. Mom’s gums – didn’t know that could hurt so much
  6. General groin area – also not being used, anyway
  7. Under boob – surprisingly the least painful of the group
  8. Belly button – it’s a good launching point for toes when baby wants to begin thrashing

2 thoughts on “Alternative Extended Breastfeeding Positions

  1. Oh yes!!!

    Right on! Our current fave is “A” for Abnormal. My husband calls it getting Shwifty, a la Rick and Morty.

    Its not complete without a little nose milk bubble action and requisite giggles.

    Like

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